so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
