and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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