Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
