i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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