i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
