I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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