If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
