Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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