i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The Olympian is in my bed
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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