You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
