Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
