Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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