I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
