Having a random hookup so left but love u
I didn't shave. On purpose
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You're like the curious george of whores
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
