You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
