I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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