it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
