alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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