I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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