Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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