You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
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How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
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I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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