Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
