I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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