Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
