oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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