she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize