I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Oh god it's open bar.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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