I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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