Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
