She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
