this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
