Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
