Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
