last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
