He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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