I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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