3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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