Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
