I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize