It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
