I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
