sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
