Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
