just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
