I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
