I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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