You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Damn victory sex feels great
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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