She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
