I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
