my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
