I met the friendliest cop last night
i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
