you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
