You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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