Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
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