Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
