She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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