I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
