if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
