Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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