Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
